Random Thought

Trying to pick some memories that left behind during my school life. There is so many things that need to be recalled. Here I am, throwing away all the bad memories and gathering the good ones in order to make my mind blowing that way. I try to figure it out. 

It had been over two years since I graduated from my last education. Thinking through the best moments I had been with my school life. Then, end up wishing to start a brand new life of education in the next two years. I always have a great time with my school life. Good friends, warm hearted teachers, fool memories with all of them, self pressure during examination, and all the boring situation during class time. Did I miss a lot? I guess so. I’m into that sort of things lately. Sitting alone in the corner of the several places, thinking through everything that has passed by, and end up dreaming randomly about my future. 

Sometimes, I don’t really understand what I’m looking for. I stuck on this situation. Can’t step forward. Doing nothing and blaming my own self to something I don’t really know. Back then, I have choosen this field. I should run through this choice with blessing and courages. When everyone is climbing over fence in their dreams and getting rid of all the obstacles in their path then just success, I just become a spectator. Just like a loser. Did I really loose everything I dream before because of choosing this kind of life? I guess not. I have got something that I need the most in my life which is hard to achieve.  It’s not something you just get it for granted. I make so much efforts to get it and I do feel so grateful. But, I always feel empty. I feel that I’m not really learning anything. I do the same things everyday but not really becoming a master on it. 

I want to simultanously train my self to be an expert at something I love the most. Once, I start to learn a new one everyday, but I always end up getting bored. Then, I’m back to the boring routinity again and over again. As if I couldn’t afford anything yet. Sometimes, I envy to someone who has found their passions then continue becoming a master on it. Why I just can’t do the same way? Why it becomes even harder than I imagine? Did I need some helps to lay my complicated mind to someone else’s shoulder? Nope. I rather to talk to my self than talking to someone else. Sometimes, I don’t really need another ears to listen my problems. All I need is just a plenty time of being alone. Or a plenty time to write down all the bad things that ruins my day. Did I love loneliness? I’m not sure even I’m a solitude after all. Still, sometimes it’s kinda necessary to be alone for awhile, for a moment, or for some reasons. But somehow, I still need to share to my partner to be when it doesn’t come to an end. Everyone needs second opinion, doesn’t they? It already is. It supposed to be a place to take a shelter from your messy situation.

I hate getting such a mood breaker. This morning for instance. This random thought suddenly comes to my mind. I wanna say to this one, ‘Hands off! I really don’t want to think about it. I know for sure that I really want to go back to my school life. Chasing every deadlines,  learning so many interesting things from my lecturers, discussing current issues with my classmates, making a comfortable circumstance with one and another, solving problems, brain storming with my teams, and all you have to take responsibility is just your school assignments. You know, I was longing to death with them since it had been two years left. I know. But, everything takes time. Be patient.” I’m sorry, I have lost control.

I used to learn that every single steps has its own consequences. I have choosen my consequences from the very beginning. I have to wait until the next two years to chase my major in my dream university. I have to make a promise to my self so that I can have everything ready in the right time. I will have had to graduate from a university with a bachelor’s degree in Economics or Informatics Engineering for the next 4 years. So please kindly pray for me. It has been something that I have to deal with since the rule says so. 

Have you known about the importance of education for women? Women should concern about their education in order to make a better generation. Several decades ago, our heroines had strived for the equality of human right for women in every single aspects of life. Education for instance. We had experienced the dark side of an era that prohibits women to have the same education with the men. That dark era had been vanished. Now that we can get a chance to have a relentlessly good education for everyone. So, what should we do? Of course, we shouldn't make it to be something in vain. We have to take advantages of it. Let's say we compete with others to get high education. 

I literally love learning so much. I'm neither really a bibliophile nor book worm. But, I love spending my time by reading any books, writting something on my own, and remarking every single things that needs more attention later. I love having lesson learned in my life. But, it depends on the situation. I’m afraid to experience something horrible just because I want to have a lesson learned from it. I love listen to someone stories about anything. I do like when people  give me so much informations about anything but gossips. I love listening to a happy ending story that may cause someone becomes more inspiring to others. That’s why I need so many chances to be in a classroom. I know that learning or improving your skill beyond something is not about taking such a major in a university, but in other hand we need a recognition too. Formal education helps you to choose whether just seeking knowledge or just getting a title of bachelor’s degree. I choose to have both. I don’t want to stop challenging my own self. I want to live my life to the fullest. I don’t want to stuck on something useless anymore. It’s hard to do. I don’t know which way or how to begin. May God find me the way.